


Suppressio

by imnotanironwall



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Redemption, Getting to Know Each Other, M/M, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-06-30 08:17:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15747834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnotanironwall/pseuds/imnotanironwall
Summary: suppressio: n.f  "any bad, miserable, difficult or terrifying situation or experience that arouses anxiety, terror, agony or great displeasure."After the war, the Atlas and Voltron found an old and abandoned spaceship wandering in space. There, they found an old enemy they thought dead, in a cryo-pod: Sendak. An awkward reunion later, they understood the Galra had been subject to the same horror as Shiro and that multiple clones of him had been made. He never fought Lotor for the Kral Zera, he never enslaved Earth, he neverdied. Thus, they decided to take him back to Earth to decide of his fate with the Coalition.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't really happy with Sendak in the last season so I decided to write an AU where he didn't do anything! And [@justThemys](https://twitter.com/justThemys) came up with the amazing idea of S6-S7 Sendak actually being a clone, so I decided it would be great to include that.

Sendak couldn’t see. His world was pitch black, there was not a sound around him. He could only hear his ragged breathing, the adrenaline coursing through his veins. Sweat running along his temple, an awful pain in his left arm, only his right hand in front of him - painted with blood. He heard a roar behind him and instinctively flinched away; something stopped him. And then an awful cried escaped him, magic paralyzing his entire body and freezing his feet to the ground. Something hit him violently on the head and he fell unconscious.

When he woke up, he was laying before cold metallic bars. Behind them, there he was, standing, proud and smiling, an exact copy of himself. He wore his usual full armor, but his arm was different. Bigger and more advanced. A clone equipped with the latest Galra technology.

His eye glowed in the darkness as he looked down on Sendak. “They should kill you now that they have me, the best version of you. You are the shame of the Galra Empire. You _lost_.” He laughed, ugly and loud. “I'll come back to finish you when Voltron has fallen.”

He turned around and his body became blurry. The world started spinning and in a matter of seconds, Sendak was standing in a crowd. Everything looked… too big. Or was he too small? When he looked down at his body, he was met with two organic fluffy arms, little fingers holding bigger hands. He looked up and he saw his father, wearing his armor and staring before him.

A voice echoed in the distance. “Kneel before your true Emperor.” The crowd suddenly kneeled and he could see, stepping off the stairs of his throne, Zarkon.

He felt someone tug on his left arm. “Sendak, kneel. Pay your respect to the Emperor. You should always follow the orders.” His mother smiled - or tried to, with a beaten face - and tugged once again on his arm. He noticed she was also wearing an armor, one from a different color than what he was used to. Did she always wear that black armor? “Please listen to me.”

She grabbed his face in her hands, a look of panic in her eyes, and the crowd disappeared. “I will come back for you, but for now you must do whatever you are told. Sendak, my son, do whatever you have to do to make your Emperor proud.” He held up his hand to stroke her face, she was panicking. When his palm connected, her face was cold and her lips tainted in red. Tears fell down her face. “Everything will be alright. I promise.”

More tears slid down her face, and more, and more. Until Sendak couldn’t see his hand anymore behind that curtain of tears. It hurt, strangely. Deep in his guts, that water was burning him.

It hurt until those blue salty tears turned to a deep magma red and everything ached. And he screamed while he fell to the ground, called for help, cried and begged for mercy.

“Victory or death,” someone said.

“Victory or death,” the voice was getting closer. He could now hear footsteps above his faint whimpers.

“Get up!” A knife was thrown between his feet, the blade covered in blood. The voice was furious, its hatred spat right to Sendak’s face. “Or should I kill you like I did to that traitress?”

Sendak could feel his inside boiling. But his face was wet and his entire body felt cold. “Should I throw you into space?”

A hand wrapped around his throat and squeezed, his feet left the ground. “Why didn’t you died in that pod, or on that planet? Why did you send a message to them? You know what they would do to you, to us…” The voice became softer, quiet. It was shaking just like the fist that held him aloft. “There the coldness was sweeter.”

Sendak opened his eyes and met with his very own, his reflection in the mirror holding him by the neck. Behind him, he could see the Paladins of Voltron, laughing, chatting and playing with each other. Confusion sunk into his stomach, and he started wiggling to free himself - in vain. The him in the mirror shook his head, tears in his eyes.

“They cannot save us and you know it. We took their planet, we fought them and bullied them. Or at least that is what the inhabitants will think, they don't understand what happened. We are the ones who started everything. They cannot save us; _he_ cannot save _you_.”

Sendak screamed and kicked the mirror. “Shut up!” With the last breath he could catch, he ordered his arm to break it. And in one swift motion, the mirror was shattered to pieces and Sendak fell.

And fell.

And fell.

Until his back connected with the hard floor and he cursed in pain. When he opened his eyes, he was back in his room on the Atlas.

 

“Sendak?” The door opened and a flurry of white hair entered his room. Shiro, whose room was right beside Sendak’s, kneeled next to him. “I heard you scream, what-what happened? Are you okay?”

“Don't touch me.” The Galra backed up against the bed and swatted away the hand extended towards him. “I don't need your help. I’m fine.”

“Wha- You’re breathing like you ran a marathon and you’re sweating like a pig. In the middle of the night! Obviously, you are not fine.”

Shiro got up and extended his hand once again. “Let me help you, Sendak.”

The Galra glared at him, furry growing inside of him. “I said I don't need your help, Champion.”

The extended hand turned into a fist, tense and tight, and Shiro turned around with a frown on his face. “Suit yourself.” He stepped out of the room and smashed his fist against the panel to close the door, then disappeared, leaving Sendak alone with his thoughts and awful words.

 

* * *

 

A few hours had gone by, or maybe just a few minutes - Sendak couldn’t tell - but after such an awful dream, he couldn't go back to sleep. On top of that, he was feeling somewhat guilty? He could have used better words, he could have been gentler. He definitely could have restrained himself from calling Shiro such a name.

He knew why he acted that way, of course. But it didn't mean it was okay. Because he was hurt and wanted to be left alone wasn’t a reason to be an ass. And did he really want to be left alone? He was still wide awake moments later: he _wasn’t_ okay, for sure.

Despite everything he told himself, Sendak needed help. Those constant thoughts were enough to remind him he needed to talk to someone, to reach for help, or something really wrong could happen. He didn't want to hurt someone again, not like he did before.

 

After organizing his thoughts and having put his pride aside - or what was left of it anyway -, he got up and left the room. He could hear a few people muttering at the end of the corridor, probably early risers or the people with the night shift finally going to bed, either way, Sendak ignored them and walked to the door next to his. There was no confirmation he was still awake, but Sendak still knocked on Shiro’s door, anxiety sitting in his stomach.

The door opened after a few seconds, a sweaty and breathless Shiro greeting him. He immediately glared at the sight of Sendak. “ _What do you want?_ ”

A quick glance toward his own room - an easy escape really, he didn't actually need to do this after all - followed a sighed. He looked into Shiro’s eyes and cleared his throat before speaking, visibly uncomfortable. “I,” his voice was a whisper, “may have come to apologize and ask for guidance.”

The annoyed look in Shiro’s eyes softened a little, the tension in his shoulders disappearing. “Right. That's a good start. I guess you could come in, but it must smell like sweat now. I was just exercising.”

Sendak sniffed the air and it indeed smelled like sweat, but mostly, immensely like Shiro. And Sendak felt at ease, strangely. He shook his head. “I have spent weeks training Yuppers for the Empire when I was younger. Humans body odor is a blessing compared to them, I think I’ll be just fine.”

Shiro raised an eyebrow and smirked as he stepped aside to let Sendak enter. “Yeah, well, we will talk about that again when we reach Earth. You’ll quickly want to take that assumption back the moment you’ll take public transit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The dream part might sound a little messy but it will be explained in the next chapter(s) - and it's mostly my headcanons. If you wanna discuss anything, you can DM me on twitter!
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/imnotanironwall) / [tumblr](http://badgunter.tumblr.com/)


	2. Chapter 2

Talking about his dreams turned out to be nearly impossible. However, Shiro was understanding and he let Sendak talk about other things. Sometimes it was about the time he trained animals for the Empire, other time how he stumbled upon his crew being way too intimate around a corner. Nothing really heavy. 

Those conversations late at night were seemingly meaningless but Sendak grew to like them, he learned to be at ease around Shiro. And the man always seemed to appreciate their talks - even if he mostly listened during them.

It was weird for the Galra, no one ever listened to his small talk. When he was a young soldier, he wasn’t even looked at - mere cannon fodder, disposable and useless. And by the time he was Commander, he had forgotten he could have a nice conversation with someone.

Eventually, he decided he could trust Shiro enough. Maybe he could actually help him with his past and his thoughts. It was worth giving it a shot - he had nothing to lose anymore anyway. 

“Shirogane, are you there?” he asked as he knocked on the door. After a few ticks, it opened. Shiro was standing in the middle of the room, a towel hanging around his neck.

“I was just putting some clothes on, you can enter now." He motioned inside the room, a smile on his face. His hair was slightly wet, he must just be out of the shower. “And I told you to call me Shiro. It feels like I’m back at the Garrison.”

Sendak hummed, not really listening. He was visibly tense and he could only think about one thing: what he was about to tell him. 

“Right.” He stood before Shiro, arms crossed against his chest. “Sit, I have something to tell you.” 

Shiro frowned, catching on the tense atmosphere. “If it's about your restrictions to the living quarters, you know I can't do anything about it.” But Sendak shook his head. 

“Just sit and listen.” Sendak sighed. He could feel a headache coming and he hadn't even started yet. 

When Shiro finally sat on his bed, Sendak turned his gaze away. “I will tell you what happened before we met. I will tell you about… me. My family, what I did to become Zarkon’s right hand, what happened after you-- when I was lost in space.” 

Shiro simply nodded, eyes never leaving Sendak. It was rather unsettling how he focused his entire attention on him only, Sendak tried to ignore it.

“Being a soldier, making our Emperor proud, this is the only thing Galra know. Families aren’t real. There is no “falling in love” like you, humans, call it. We reproduce and raise children only because it is our duty.” He paced the room. “My father was a soldier, as was my mother. But, she didn't stay long. The Blade of Marmora had always been there, that we know of it or not. And she was one of them. I was young when her cover blew up. My father was going to kill her, but she fled and never came back to take me with her. 

My father immediately suspected me of being one of them, a traitor, so he made me joined the army sooner than most. I was doing small jobs, like training yuppers or cleaning ships, until some rebels attacked the ship I was in years later. They killed the Commander, were going to kill all of us, so I killed their Leader - cleaning supplies are a rather good acid, I have to admit.” The memory was gory and awful. He forgot if he pissed his pants or not, but he remembered clearly how scared he was. 

“Before I knew it, I was brought to Zarkon who told me to be proud of what I had done. And in the next second, I had a ship and a crew under me. I was still young back then, maybe as old as your Green Paladin when we first met.

I started doing what I was told to do: Kill, enslave, torture. Everything to bring others to their knees, to fear me, to see the Galra as the superior race. There was no end to it.” Sendak laughed at the bitter memories, the shouts and cries still crystal clear in his head. “Everything was going smoothly until Zarkon told me he had a special mission for me alone. That I would be greatly rewarded if I came back successful.”

He stopped - both in his steps and words. He glanced toward Shiro who was intensely looking at him and offered a weak smile, an unsaid ‘ _ go on _ ’. 

“I had to kill someone who had been sabotaging the growth of the Empire thanks to the proximity of an unstable solar system. I went. I pursued the culprit for days until we were both exhausted. And as we faced each other to finish it with our fists, she stopped. She took her helmet off and threw her dagger at my feet.” Sendak growled. The memories were still vivid. It was harsh to talk about, and he was suddenly so furious at himself that he couldn’t face Shiro anymore. He turned his back to the man and resumed, fists clenched to his side. “I took the dagger and it grew into a sword. I walked to her and she told me to make my Emperor proud, her eyes on me all this time. And I took her head. I gifted it to Zarkon when I came back and he gave me a fleet, made me  _ Commander Sendak _ , for killing my own mother.”

Out of all the things Sendak did, it was probably the worst and he knew it. He always knew it. No matter what he told himself - that she was a traitor of the Empire, that she killed many Galra just doing their jobs, that she _left_ _him_ and never came back like she had promised - he was the worst. 

He definitely couldn’t face Shiro, now.

It was the end for him. No one in their right mind would ever help such a disgusting garbage like Sendak. No one wanted to be associated with such a person. He had ruined everything they had started to built, what could have been but never will now. Honesty was bullshit. 

 

“Sendak.” He felt a warm and gentle hand on his cheek and was forced to look up from his crouched position on the ground - when had he curled up on himself? 

“Look at me, Sendak.” Shiro’s voice was soft and clear. He hadn’t moved from the bed, hadn’t taken his eyes off the Galra. The smile was lost but he didn't look grossed out or afraid. Maybe a little sad, but he didn't seem to be judging Sendak right now. “I - well, this body, - almost killed someone who is like family to me. I am not going to hate you for what you did in the past, for what you did because someone else convinced you it was what you had to do.”

He got up, walked to Sendak and kneeled to be at eye level. His other hand found Sendak’s fluffy cheek. “Your mother knew she couldn’t take a child with her, it would have been way too dangerous. It was safer to let you with the Empire at the time. And when you faced her, she knew it was either you or her. She loved her child more than anything.” 

“I could have gone with her,” Sendak muttered. The guilt would never fade. “I was just a fool”

“No!” The Galra jumped back at the shout - he wasn’t used to Shiro raising his voice against him. “From the moment you were born, you had been told to listen to Zarkon’s every command. To live for the Empire and have no mercy. And don't think Galra are the only ones it ever happened to - Humans also have their own share of history with manipulative tyrants. What you did is not okay, it's heartbreaking and awful, but at the time you thought it was normal because you were told it was. You didn’t know better.” 

Shiro exhaled loudly. He had so much anger in his voice - against whom, the Galra couldn’t tell. Eventually, Shiro shook his head and smiled. “Now you know, and guilt is not a strong enough word to describe what you are feeling. But,  _ this, _ ” he pointed at Sendak’s chest, “this is normal. It's the beginning of redemption.” 

Sendak felt weak. He couldn’t move or say a word, only stare at the man in front of him. It was comforting to know there was hope for him, that someone believed in him. But he didn't know what he could do anymore. Eventually, they would reach Earth and a trial would be held to decide what to do with him, probably throw him in jail for the rest of his life or force him to work, to rebuild everything he destroyed during his time in the Empire. It was only fair. 

“I’ll do what I can to help you. You can become a great man, Sendak.” Shiro smiled softly at him - something the Galra had yet to get used to - and squeezed his face in his hands before releasing him. “I believe in you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/imnotanironwall) / [tumblr](http://badgunter.tumblr.com/)


	3. Chapter 3

“I believe being around other people who care about you is important when you’re recovering. They can support and help you feel better and walk on a good path again.” Shiro explained, gesturing in the air as they walked through the corridors of the Atlas. Sendak had no idea where they were heading, and he was sure they were way past his restricted perimeter.

“I talked with the Paladins and the crew and we all agreed you could, for one day, leave the living quarters for a special meeting - of course, under supervision.” The door before them slid open, revealing the hangar of the Lions of Voltron. Sendak had dreamt to have them all at arm-reach, he couldn’t believe he was there. “I think you deserve to meet your savior.”

They suddenly stopped, the Blue Paladin - or the Red one now, apparently - was in front of them, glaring at Sendak. He had his arms crossed against his chest and was very obviously not pleased to be here. “Shiro said we could trust you, but I don't!” He pointed his finger at Sendak’s chest, accusatory. “I'm not going to let another friend fall for an asshole who’s going to let them down!” He momentarily looked away, his anger fading. “But, I also trust Shiro. So Red is yours just an hour, and no more.”

Shiro chuckled, seemingly slightly uncomfortable at the display. He put his hand on the Paladin’s arm and push him away towards the door. “All right, Lance. We will stay out of earshot but we will stay near. Take your time, Sendak.”

They both walked away, the Red - he got it right this time - Paladin making a “I’m watching you" gesture before turning his back at Sendak, leaving him alone with the gigantic Red Lion before him.

 

“What am I supposed to do now? An hour to do what, talk to myself?” Sendak chuckled, it was ridiculous. What was he supposed to do with the Red Lion? All he ever did to her was find her and put her in a hangar until they reached the main fleet (which they never did).

He sighed and turned his head to see where Shiro was. He had to tell him it wasn’t what he needed. It was _someone_ he needed to talk to, not something.

However, before he could find him, he heard a roar right next to his ear. He jumped. “Wha-" He looked at the Lion, the roar was very familiar to the ones he heard during battles, but it didn't move. Sendak rubbed his temples.

“Being on that ship is making go crazy again. I knew it wasn’t a good idea. I need to find Shiro.” After a long sigh, he turned around. But the roar was back, louder this time, and it seemed to echo in his mind. Sendak frowned. He did not like that, the ship was fucking with him. Was it Shiro that programmed the ship to make that noise when Sendak was near Voltron? He doubted it, he wouldn't be so mean - or maybe was it some kind of revenge? From Shiro? There was a higher probability that the Paladins did it, though, as they still didn't trust Sendak like Shiro seemed to. 

**_I thought Galra were smarter than that._ **

The voice startled him. It was deep, almost robotic, and it strangely seemed quite cold. He looked around, ears raised, body tense. “Show yourself, coward.”

**_I’m right here. In front of you_** , it replied, slight amusement in its tone.

Sendak immediately looked up at the Red Lion, but he shook his head in disbelief seconds after. “Right. I know only a Paladin can hear the voice of their Lion. I don't have time to spare on such a stupid joke.” He wasn’t in the mood to joke around and he wasn’t fond of pranks in general anyway. If the best way Shiro had found to make him feel better was to make fun of him, then they better hurried to Earth so Sendak could be left alone in jail. And if it wasn't a joke, then he was becoming crazy - and it was equally as terrible.

Sendak turned on his heels and walked towards the door he came in earlier, where he could now see Shiro and the other Paladin, Lance, talking to each other. However, he didn't make it two meters away before a large paw pushed him to the ground, knocking the air out of his lungs and pinning him against the cold hard floor.

**_I was not done._ **

Sendak turned around the best he could to see a large metallic head bent over him. His heart rate increased suddenly and his eyes went wide. 

**_You found me once. You relied on your instinct, and not skills alone_** , the voice- not, the _Red Lion_ explained. ** _But you didn't know humility and someone had to teach you. That is why I found you again when you were ready. Trust, hope, you do not show them to others but_ ** **I** **_know, as you were once destined to be my Paladin._ **

He couldn’t believe his eyes, his ears or even his mind. There was no way the Red Lion was talking, or that anything happening at this moment was true. If he had been her Paladin, they wouldn’t have lost her, they wouldn't have lost the war.

**_Black may have had a moment of weakness before her old Paladin, but we are not the same. You were only driven by fear and loss, not respect and trust. I do not let the unworthy pilot me._ **

She could read his mind, she knew exactly what were his thoughts and she was pushing right where she shouldn't. He felt anger built in his chest, he couldn’t believe he had agreed to this. “‘Meet your savior, Sendak,’” he mimicked in Shiro’s voice, annoyance dripping through his words. “‘Being with people who care is important for your recovery,’ he said. Bullshits! If I wasn’t worthy of a metal box then I was better dead. I never called, you didn't need to find me!”

Sendak heard a sound of annoyance in his head but not his own, the Lion’s patience was wearing thin. He wriggled under the large paw that pinned him down and tried to set himself free, but the lower part of his body was held strongly. He clenched his jaws so tight his fangs slowly pierced his skin, deep purple blood dripping onto the ground. He banged his fist loudly on the ground when he eventually gave up, he was so weak. 

**_Do you want to pilot me?_ **

Sendak stopped and turned his head toward the Lion. He laughed loudly at the absurdity of the question and the _very_ bad timing. “Didn't you just said I was unworthy? Anyway, I ain’t gonna steal the property of the ones who _so kindly_ saved me. What would be the point, they hate me, we can't form Voltron. And the Empire has fallen! I have nowhere to go and nothing to do.”

He sighed deeply, looking away at Shiro. Both he and the red Paladin were looking at him, at them, probably surprised - he wasn’t sure at this distance. Sendak laid his forehead on the cold ground of the ship and closed his eyes. “Shiro trust me, I can't disappoint him. Now let me free.”

Without another word, the weight on his back disappeared completely. The loud sound of pieces of metal sliding against one another echoed in the room as the Red Lion stood back in her initial place.

**_This is what I wanted to hear. Come back to me when you feel ready, I will talk with my Paladin about letting you fly. Moreover, your feelings for the former Black Paladin intrigues me._ **

Sendak got up on his feet and glared at the Lion. “What are you talking about?”

But he did not get a reply. Instead, he heard hurried footsteps coming towards him and an awful high-pitched screamed that hurt his ears.

“What did you do to my baby!” The Red Paladin ran past him to the Lion, hugged her leg and glared at Sendak, almost defensively. “I knew it was a bad idea!”

Shiro, however, stopped at Sendak. He offered him a hand (even though the Galra was already back on his feet). “Sendak, are you okay? What happened?” Both humans had worry painted all over their face, but Shiro was directing it towards Sendak’s well-being it seemed? It awoke a strange and unfamiliar feeling deep in Sendak’s chest. “I was wrong, I'm sorry. Are you hurt anywhere?”

Sendak rubbed at his lower back, the pressure of the giant paw lingering. He threw a quick and last glance at Red before walking toward the door and the living quarters. “I am fine. Don’t dwell on it.” He hesitated before lightly -and awkwardly- patting Shiro’s shoulder. “Thank you.”

And he quickly walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sendak would have been the Red Paladin, had Zarkon reunited all the Lions - that's the theory in short. It also explains how Sendak was found/rescued! ((just like Kuron(/Shiro) in the show.)) 
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/imnotanironwall) / [tumblr](http://badgunter.tumblr.com/)


	4. Chapter 4

There had been a discussion several days after Sendak's encounter with the Red Lion, a meeting including the Paladins of Voltron and the high-ranked of the Atlas. Something about Sendak he hadn’t been allowed to take part in, Shiro completely refusing to inform him of what had transpired once he left the room. 

But nothing happened.

Or at least, nothing  _ bad _ happened in the following days. Instead, as they were finally nearing Earth, Sendak was allowed to travel more freely inside the ship: he gained access to the hangar where the Lions rested (but he never went back there), the main deck, and -the only thing that mattered truly- the training ground.

No more push-ups and squats inside his ridiculous room. Now he could smash training dummies and fight whoever was foolish enough to ask for a match. The awful lot of energy he had was greedily spent there days after days, enjoying this moment he had to himself. 

The days were almost enjoyable and the trip was less boring than it was from the confinement of his room, but it still wasn’t enough. He would have killed some time in the study room or the library, as humans called it, but he couldn’t read the language they all spoke. Even the translator the Green Paladin had provided wasn’t enough for him to comprehend what, Shiro had told him, was a child’s book. 

The only thing he really looked forward to each day was his sparring session with the Captain of the ship. Shiro would usually join him in the late afternoon to fight, it was helping him get totally used to the mobility of his arm during physical fights. 

It had been a great help for Sendak as well. The proximity and trust had loosened up his tongue, and quickly he found himself explaining what happened after he got lost into space. A crash on an unknown planet, monsters hunting him days and nights, and then what he had thought was his rescue by Lotor's generals but was seemingly, at that time, his end, as he was thrown in jail for an undetermined period of time. He had undergone several experiments, clones of him being created one after the other, until one day he didn't wake up. Then Voltron found him, and his whole life started playing in his dreams. Turning his nights into nightmares.

Speaking of nightmares, since Shiro had started keeping him company in the days - and a few times at night, during which they spoke to each other in the quiet of their rooms until one fell asleep - they had disappeared. He had expected a greater backlash than the occasional hallucinations he got as he trained, a giant open jaw coming at him or the flash of purple energy in the corner of his eyes, but that was all. Though he had to admit, he was grateful for the peace. 

And when was the last time he had been at peace, really? Even in his few childhood memories, peace was never something he had. Fear, anxiety, tears, the burden of the universe on his shoulders, that he knew; but peace was unknown to him. 

Peace didn’t come alone, however. A flurry of unknown emotions had made its way inside his chest - his  _ heart  _ \- and he was too scared to look at any of them too deeply. Especially when he could feel the pounding of his heart each time he caught a glimpse of a post-training Shiro, sweat glistening on his forehead and water dripping down his mouth as he took a sip of water; the sight was too much. Some other time, when the man talked and laughed with one particular crew member whom Sendak forgot the name of, something dark boiled in his guts, replacing the fluttering feelings. The galra always turned on his heels and stayed in his room when it happened, muttering to himself about that craziness messing with his head.

Feelings, he decided, were completely unnecessary, and his life had always been safer when he didn’t care for them. But who was he now to deny them when his whole body craved for the simplest touch from Shiro and his entire being vibrated at the brush of a hand on his shoulder or at the flash of a warm smile for his eyes only. He loved every second of it.

And that was it, wasn’t it? What had pushed his mother to sacrifice herself for his safety, what had kept the Paladins united and sane during the war even though they were clearly outnumbered, what had run through the corridors of his ship and made his crew giggled like teenagers.  **Love** . It was happening to  _ him _ . 

“Sendak, are you ready to spare?” a voice behind him asked. Sendak all but jumped forward and turned, ready to strike. 

“Ah,” he sighed, relieved, when he saw Shiro, not an enemy, and lowered his fists. “Of course, I am always ready.” 

They walked inside the training room and began their daily match. It was satisfying, and Sendak could think of nothing but the next blow. His mind was free, his worries left behind, his thoughts forgotten. Only the present moment mattered, and peace flowed inside him once again, controlling his every movement. A smile even crept its way onto his face, and while it could have been a terrifying sight had he been a real opponent, Shiro only smiled back - even laugh when he successfully dodged an incoming fist and managed to paralyze Sendak on the ground with a succession of well-timed blows and holds. 

They spared a couple more minutes, or maybe hours until Sendak got Shiro pressed against a wall and they ended the session, both too out of breath to engage in another match. 

His peace and post-training bliss came crashing down in an instant when Shiro put his hand against his chest and looked up at Sendak, a smile too wide on his lips for the galra to think about anything but them. 

“Actually, I wanted to tell you the good news tonight, but now is as good a time as any.” His hand slid down and left Sendak’s body, but Shiro did not move, apparently comfortable enough against the wall, so close to the other man. “We will reach Earth soon, in two weeks or so. And well, your trial was supposed to be held right away but you don’t have to worry about it anymore.” All breath left Sendak as he was waiting for the worst. Did he do something so bad he was to go to jail the second he set foot on Earth? He hadn’t even gone back to see the Red Lion even once since that first time, he hadn’t stolen anything and never had walked past his restricted perimeter, neither had he hurt anyone outside of the very-controlled training room and even then it was only the occasional bruises. 

He felt a hot and sweaty hand on his cheek and a gentle laugh pulled him out of his overwhelming thoughts. “Stop that, I can see the worry all over your face. You did nothing wrong, it’s okay. Do you remember that meeting we had about you? We contacted the Coalition and we discussed your case. Allura spoke of your incredible progress and Lance mentioned how Red had chosen you as a potential paladin - he insisted that she would have never moved for anyone not worthy enough, even if it hurt him to admit it. Some of the crew also testified that you were nothing but obedient and even seemed nice after some time.”

Shiro stopped for a moment, letting everything sink in. Sendak almost called him a liar, but he knew Shiro wouldn’t be wasting time with such things. He wasn’t someone who gave false hopes, _that_ Sendak was sure of. 

“The Coalition agreed to release you, under certain circumstances that you must agree to. First of all, once you reach Earth, you will have a ‘guardian’, or so they call it. What it means is you will live with someone for a year and at any time of day or night, if you are not in the house, you will have to inform your guardian of where you are going or who you are going to see, and have a tracker on you. You will also have to work for free for the Coalition during that same year. It can go from being a mailman or assistant for the garrison to joining the Atlas on missions, it will depend on where help is needed. If everything goes well during that year, you will be free to do as you wish again - as a citizen of this universe.” He paused for a moment and looked down at his own feet, a faint blush on his face. “Of course you will be free to choose whoever is available as a guardian for you, but since we work pretty well together, well, I thought maybe you’ll prefer coming with me?”

Sendak stared at him for a moment longer. It was a lot to take in. First, he was a  _ free man _ . He had to be supervised and tracked, and it wasn’t really the best, but he would _not_ go to jail. Once they reached Earth, he could get out of the ship and walked away like any other crew members. Go back to a  _ home _ \- not his technically, but it was still better than anything he ever had.

Second, and the most shocking of all, Shiro was offering to live together. He  _ wanted  _ Sendak to live with him. And by the crimson blush spreading on his cheeks, it wasn’t all due to his benevolent and dutiful self. 

He took a deep breath and stepped back, suddenly too aware of their proximity, the pounding in his chest, the heat on his own face, the ringing in his ears. The look on Shiro’s face was too much to handle and all he wanted was to reach for him and touch those marvelous lips, to know what they tasted like and if they were as soft as they looked. He was overwhelmed and words were unable to live his mouth in a comprehensible manner.

A look of disappointment passed over Shiro’s face and he shook his head before turning on his heels. “It’s your choice, don’t worry. You can take your time to think about everything. I’m sure even Coran would agree to take you in, once he finds a place, he is going to need the company I think. Anyway, I should go take a shower, good work today!”

He started to walk away and again, Sendak had no control over his own body. Before he could think about it or what he was going to say, he reached for Shiro’s arm, pulled him in his own and embraced him tightly. Sendak was as shocked as the other man when his action finally reached his brain, but before he could pull away he felt arms wrap around him to reciprocate the hug. 

The anxiety vanished from Sendak’s stomach and the knot in his throat disentangled itself immediately. He felt Shiro push his face in his chest and he felt the smile that formed on his lips. He exhaled loudly and peace washed over him again. 

At this moment, he knew the nightmares would only be but a far away memory and the pain would be passing as he makes his way through life to find who he really is. As long as he could come back to those arms, he thought, maybe he could finally live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, I'm done with this fic. I'm sorry I went silent for a few months now but I had a lot going on and writer block didn't help. I was originally planning a one-shot with this idea but it turned into a fic and tbh, I'm not sure I'm satisfied with the 2nd and 3rd chapter but at least this chapter is okay I think? I like it and it is a good enough ending for me, I hope it will be for you as well. 
> 
> If you wanna talk, you can always find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/imnotanironwall)! Thanks to everyone who posted a comment - or will - (and I'm sorry if I didn't respond to your very short "<333" or similar comments but know that I read and appreciated them as well!)


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